Sunday, September 29, 2013

Bus Chronicles, Part I

I used to ride the city bus a lot.

It was kinda scary. And somewhat amusing. But mostly scary. To keep myself amused and distracted during my forays into the colorful world of public transportation in a small West Virginia city, I wrote letters to my fellow passengers and to the drivers whose mercy we were riding on. Here are a few of those:

Dear Bus Driver,

You missed your calling. The way you welcome us aboard and inform us of our route and eventual destination, I half expect you to recite our cruising altitude and share with us the local time and temperature at the Eastern Heights Save-a-Lot.

But just so you know, we're not actually supposed to go airborne.

Bring us in for a safe landing, buddy.

Dear Bus Driver,

When you ask the passengers for directions, my heart sinks a little.

When you bypass a stopped police car by going the wrong way on a one-way street, my heart sinks a little more. Guess the helpful passenger who supplied detour directions forgot that little detail.

I swear, some days getting to work is like playing Grand Theft Auto: City Bus Edition.

Miraculously Still on Time for Work,
Dear Lady in the Next Bathroom Stall at the Bus Station,

Well, that was the most unnecessarily specific answer I have ever heard anybody give when someone on the phone asks, "What are you up to?"

Could have just said, "Not much." Although apparently that would have been a lie.

Best of luck,

Dear Creepy Guy at the Bus Stop,

Let me help you by providing you with a "Does the Nice Lady at the Bus Stop Want to Talk to You" checklist.

Is the nice lady at the bus stop me?  YES ___  NO ___

If you checked "yes," then she doesn't want to talk to you.


Dear Dad on the Bus,

You are awesome. Kid struggles to ring the stop bell, you give it a stealthy tug. Kid reaches blindly for his hood, out of sight behind his neck, you lift it secretly into his reach. Kid fights to drag half his body weight worth of bookbag down the bus steps, you sneak a finger under the strap to make it lighter. That kid can do anything, thanks to you.

 More to come ...